God help me I miss you so fucking much I can’t breathe, think or write properly.

Help. I don’t feel alive when you’re not around. I distract myself all day so I don’t have to think about it and when I do it hits me in one mind-numbingly crushing blow.

I need. I need. I need. I need. I need. I need. I need. I need.

Help.

I used to call this home:

That’s Garden Grove, CA. Out of all the homes I’ve had that was the most devestating, damaging and beautiful home.

I can still smell the roses, nectarines, and death. After my grandmother was dead and buried we moved to a new home one

this home was lost but never forgotten.

My next home:

Anoka, MN.  Cold, desolate. The people were constantly depressed and in agony. Stuck in purgatory.

Anoka burned to the ground. My house caught fire, and that’s when things started to really change for me.

It was no longer home anymore, nothing felt the same…every where I went felt wrong. I gave it up to come to CA again.

For a while I called this my home:

The firebird. Excellent and frightening memories of this place. I still have the blood stains from some of those memories on my clothes. But even this home died, and will soon be taken away.

 I’ve had a bad track record with homes. They never seem to last very long. I tried telling myself I didn’t really need one. Then I became homeless. Now I’m not.

Now I am. No. Wait.

My new home:

Wherever you are.

This home I won’t lose, can’t lose. It won’t catch fire, or crumble. It won’t devestate me, or make me run away.

Mine.

Yours.

OURS.

There was once a boy that would send earthquakes through out the world

with every step he took.

LeftFoot-earth shattering,

RightFoot-rebellion complete

The people he touched, were refined into gold

but only after he melted them down into their purest form through

strife and chaos

If they did not melt at his burning touch, they stayed lead forever

And if they surrendered to this unique, and most honest form of love

they became something quite beautiful.

Most people never understood this process and stayed lead for a good long while

possibly forever.

And those same people would also complain that he did not

love them enough, and that he had hurt them.

The boy began to look at himself as purely an agent of destruction, and

not A Creator as he was originally intended to be…

How would he know that he could create as well as destroy, if no

person had ever melted at his touch?

Rocks fell into his path, making the way to heaven impassible

One day a girl fell into his path as well.

She was made of lead like the rest, obtruvise, obtuse, angry, repressed

with flecks of fools gold in her smile.

And streaks of real gold hiding in her eyes

She didn’t melt at his touch either, in fact she resisted

harder than others had at times, and another part resisted her resisting

and there was another part of her that ran towards this

refinement, loveordeath rebellion

She understood his war, and took it as her own

She pleaded “Please destroy me, but only do it fast, relentlessly without thought or

mercy for my shell. Melt me until I can’t recognize what was left of me

and I’m something completely different. I can’t live like this much longer. I want

to crumble, dissolve, and shatter. Just make sure when you’re done and have

recreated me you let me create you as well. “

He assented, and they began the long and tedious process of refinement.

When the job was done they ascended to heaven together, holding hands

using the cloud staircase she had built out of her dreams.

They sat in the sky together shining by day twin suns, and night-twin moons

they threw hail down from heaven, and laughed at the damage

they did to others’ cars from the dents.

When they tickled each other, their laughter thundered down

from the sky and flew straight to the earth scaring all the people

below.

They lived together forever…above or below.

(I love you, Raven)

I am so happy today I can’t even speak. It overwhelms me, takes hold of me, makes me shudder and shiver. It makes me giggle and wave hello to the leaves dancing on the pavement. It makes me smile sleepily, and day dream. Happiness makes me love infinitely, and confidently.

Today I took a moment to pause and look over all of my accomplishments over the last half a year. I’ve had to overcome so much, and not just from the outside but from within. I’m a work in progress, like everyone else. But I can’t help but be overjoyed by life.

I’m grateful for life, and struggle.

I find it oddly beautiful that in order to make my dreams come true I had to pass through a series of nightmares. Events I used to lay awake in bed worrying about like freezing, being hungry, poor, homeless, losing my family, etc… 

I’ve gone through, and come out alive.

Despite these struggles I still think I’m the luckiest woman alive. Who else gets to live the dream they had as a child? Who else has had every wish they’ve ever wanted come true? And how many people in the world out there are doing exactly what they want to do right now?

How many people have you, looneyboy?

Nina Simone says it best when I can’t quite find the words for my happiness:

“It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me…and I’m feeling good.

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me”

For the first time, I’m in love with life LIVING.

Whenever we roam be beside me

when you’re allone when you go

When no one comes along. And for all we

Wander, Encounter and Open

Allways curl up with me.

Give me Pain, Past, and Fury.

Betray my way.

I won’t abandon you.

-Mark Z. Danielewski

New Years Day, and the reality of a new year hasn’t even begun to hit me.

It’s much like having your 20th birthday and feeling no different than when you were 19.

Hilarious considering how much has changed since January ‘07. I’ve fallen in love, moved across the country, lost what little I owned, incurred even more debt, lost weight, became a “transient”, met up with a few new people, developed a few new attitudes, adopted a new lifestyle, and said “fuck you” to college pretty much for good.

Mirrors-that is what I really wanted to talk about. Fuck the new year. Years will always be born, and then die. It’s a ritual. Maybe one day we’ll stop measuring time in years, can’t see it happening soon.

Fact: People are mirrors to each other. Any person one meets on the street and yells at will probably yell back, or become afraid mirroring the exact fearful and angry traits the original person gives off. Now smile. Chances are that random person will smile back. See? Mirrors. A person that one knows more intimately is able to give sharper images. Think soul mates, if you believe in them.

Now sometimes King Crab, you hold up reflections of me that I don’t want to see. You’re not ugly often if ever. But I see those character traits in myself. Often I’ve reacted defensively instead of apologetically. I should apologize instead of coming up with excuses for my behavior. Today, in a book of all places I was confronted with an image of how I’d like to see my behavior. It was rather humbling, and made me cry.

I want to melt in the worst way. The thing I’m afraid of, is the thing I want the most. It terrifies me, excites me, and makes tremble and shake all over. I dream of melting, screaming…love.

I had a New Years resolution or two. I might have forgotten it already. The champagne was good, the sex was better. Tortilla chips and salsa, superb. Spending it with the only man I’ll ever love was the best part.

This is it then: I want to lose my fear and identity, I want to be absorbed by you completely, I want to melt, and come out looking like liquid gold for it.

Oh Raven, I could never walk away from you.

Happy New Years, Looneyboy.

Weird to have a date as an entry title. But there you are. The most important day of my life. Perhaps the first day I ever truly lived. Ah, don’t frown. I know I’ve had 20 years of wasted time before that.

Days spent playing video games, going to work, surfing the internet, jacking off, eating, jacking off some more and then sleeping for a good 12 hours. Don’t get me wrong, it was fun while it lasted, but it had to end sooner or later. Dear God, I’m glad it did.

July 14th was the day I met You so I’ll never forget it. I had been waiting all day to meet You.

Five days before we met your arrival had been foretold with my new tarot deck. I had asked if I would ever meet my soulmate. It sounded cheesy to me, but a part of me was dying to know. I asked very specific questions like a time frame, and the deck told me five days with the five of wands card.

Five days later (on July 14th), I met you, King Crab. Eerie, eh?

July 14th was my sisters grad party. I had run away that day, in order to escape my embarassment at still not knowing what to do with my life. I knew every relative there would ask me what my plans were. I had no answers.

The day before my mother and I had just fought over the amount of work I do at the house. I remember everything about that time vivdly. The day passed without any sign of you.

And then finally at night I got a chance to meet you. Online the first time, instant messaging each other back and forth. Playfully. You flirting, me shy. Afraid. I knew who you were the moment we started talking. I’d been expecting you.

My blood pounded through my veins and my stomach flew into my throat and I choked. Warm energy spread through out my body. My mind filled with thoughts of you.

 I talked to you for hours until 4AM. Never needing sleep, never wanting it, never feeling bored, only wanting more of you.

I knew I loved you that night.

And that’s why I’ll never forget July 14th. On that day I was reborn: my second birthday. Our birthday. I was baptized in the garden of eros. The day I discovered my passion, my dream, and realized that the Kingdom of Heaven was near.