I used to call this home:
That’s Garden Grove, CA. Out of all the homes I’ve had that was the most devestating, damaging and beautiful home.
I can still smell the roses, nectarines, and death. After my grandmother was dead and buried we moved to a new home one
this home was lost but never forgotten.
My next home:
Anoka, MN. Cold, desolate. The people were constantly depressed and in agony. Stuck in purgatory.
Anoka burned to the ground. My house caught fire, and that’s when things started to really change for me.
It was no longer home anymore, nothing felt the same…every where I went felt wrong. I gave it up to come to CA again.
For a while I called this my home:
The firebird. Excellent and frightening memories of this place. I still have the blood stains from some of those memories on my clothes. But even this home died, and will soon be taken away.
I’ve had a bad track record with homes. They never seem to last very long. I tried telling myself I didn’t really need one. Then I became homeless. Now I’m not.
Now I am. No. Wait.
My new home:
Wherever you are.
This home I won’t lose, can’t lose. It won’t catch fire, or crumble. It won’t devestate me, or make me run away.
Mine.
Yours.
OURS.
One Comment
For a sign whose most common attribute is HOME, we sure have some pretty fucky luck with it, don’t we?
I still remember the first time your writing caught my eye. It was an entry you did on your early days in California. There was something very ethereal and sweet about your memories….but all written with this little shadow in the corner of the happy field, a little sad and disturbing. And this was all written during your days in MN. When you came here, I wanted to show you everything..and make a beautiful home with you. When we had to live in the car and see dining halls and homeless lines, I’ve never felt so frustrated. Not what exactly the City, beaches, romance and grandeur I had lined up…or the home I wanted to make with you.
Months later, I see that – through all this craziness – we really have made a home wayy more romantic and grand than any backdrop could provide. US. We’ll get our “home” home soon, and now I know why I’ve never had a good one in my entire life either. I was just as devastated and confused as you why I could never have it.
Home really does define us. And as ours burned down and imprisoned us…our home-at-last was waiting all the while.
Needing just the perfect touch of US.
I love our castle. And my Prize Princess who made it with me.