God help me I miss you so fucking much I can’t breathe, think or write properly.
Help. I don’t feel alive when you’re not around. I distract myself all day so I don’t have to think about it and when I do it hits me in one mind-numbingly crushing blow.
I need. I need. I need. I need. I need. I need. I need. I need.
That’s Garden Grove, CA. Out of all the homes I’ve had that was the most devestating, damaging and beautiful home.
I can still smell the roses, nectarines, and death. After my grandmother was dead and buried we moved to a new home one
this home was lost but never forgotten.
My next home:
Anoka, MN. Cold, desolate. The people were constantly depressed and in agony. Stuck in purgatory.
Anoka burned to the ground. My house caught fire, and that’s when things started to really change for me.
It was no longer home anymore, nothing felt the same…every where I went felt wrong. I gave it up to come to CA again.
For a while I called this my home:
The firebird. Excellent and frightening memories of this place. I still have the blood stains from some of those memories on my clothes. But even this home died, and will soon be taken away.
I’ve had a bad track record with homes. They never seem to last very long. I tried telling myself I didn’t really need one. Then I became homeless. Now I’m not.
Now I am. No. Wait.
My new home:
Wherever you are.
This home I won’t lose, can’t lose. It won’t catch fire, or crumble. It won’t devestate me, or make me run away.
There are six more months in the making, and I can’t wait to finish this a half a year from now, I can’t wait to see what those six months will bring for us. These past six months have literally been the best months in my life. I know they can only get better, while I’m with you.
All I’ve done
All I’ve felt was leading to this
All I’ve known
All I’ve done
All I’ve felt was leading to this
Wanna stay right here
‘Til the end of time ’till the earth stops turning
I’m gonna love you till the seas run dry
I’ve found the one I’ve waited for
My mother was getting hysterical and I needed to exit fast.
I grabbed my bags and the car keys and prepared myself for a drive to the trainstation.
There was no way I would stay in Minnesota, away from you for a day longer.
She couldn’t hold me back, no one would.
A voice screams out from the window above me while I stood in the warm September night.
“You’re a bitch, but I’ll take you.”
I breathed a sigh of relief, already I was closer to you. I didn’t utter a word the whole
drive to the train station.
I didn’t care about anyone but you.
My every thought was on you, and I didn’t stop to think how crazy
I was until days after I met you.
When I arrived at the trainstation I heard whistling. Not the whistle of the train, but whistling from a song.
A familiar song, one we had shared in the past and the words from the song
“All we care about is talking, talking only me and you…”
I smiled and sat down reassured warm, happy.
The train ride itself was a bit of a blur. I took in the strange haunted sights of Montana, and the beauty of Oregon. My first sight of California took my breath away. When the train reached Emeryville. I started to panic. What if you didn’t like me? I put on my make up, half excited, and pale with fear. I tied that ribbon around my neck, that I wore in my hair on your birthday. It was a last minute idea, but I knew you would like it.
I walked slowly, tried to remember to breathe, but found it difficult. I remember looking around the trainstation
and also staring down at the pavement self consciously.
“YO ADRIAN” a voice yelled at me from a few feet away. I stopped and turned around quickly.
oh. you! I turned around and began to walk away. Frightened, my first thought was flight.
I knew it was you. But I was too frightened to speak or even look at you for long.
You got up from the steps and walked toward me. Swagger. Big-Smile. Confident. Armsstretchedouttoinfinity. Your dark clothes made you contrast beautifully with the sunny bright day. I can still picture you in my mind. The way you smiled, smelled, how you nearly broke my rib cages with a death grip hug, that I couldn’t help but return to you. That awkward first kiss. Following you and wondering what I had gotten myself into as I stumbled behind you. Watching you intently. I gave you the ribbon which you proudly displayed on the firebird-rearview-mirror. I studied the writing on the card you gave to me of two kids walking on the beach.
You drove around doing your best to scare the hell out of me with crazy driving,
almost ran over a few pedestrians.
I laughed. Still self conscious, but doing my best to take in the sights…
and most especially my new and only friend.
My Crazy, Mad-cap, Looneyboy.
2,000 miles couldn’t stop us, jealous friends and hysterical families, couldn’t either.
My fear of failure didn’t get in the way,
homelessness, cops, court dates, hunger, sleeping in freezing temperatures, illness couldn’t stop us. And nothing will. We’re unbeatable. A force of nature, urgent.
And still with all that we’ve been through, I think often of the first day of that hotel room in Redwood City, CA.
Where I kissed you, looked into your eyes and knew
that I couldn’t walk
away
from you ever again, or in any direction but towards you. I’ve found the one I’ve waited for.
I love you my sweet, smiling, laughing, loving looneyboy.
I’ve been so excited since I knew I was gonna be with you
Now everyday the sun will shine on me from your eyes
I’m on a train to you and it’s just not fast enough
I am so happy today I can’t even speak. It overwhelms me, takes hold of me, makes me shudder and shiver. It makes me giggle and wave hello to the leaves dancing on the pavement. It makes me smile sleepily, and day dream. Happiness makes me love infinitely, and confidently.
Today I took a moment to pause and look over all of my accomplishments over the last half a year. I’ve had to overcome so much, and not just from the outside but from within. I’m a work in progress, like everyone else. But I can’t help but be overjoyed by life.
I’m grateful for life, and struggle.
I find it oddly beautiful that in order to make my dreams come true I had to pass through a series of nightmares. Events I used to lay awake in bed worrying about like freezing, being hungry, poor, homeless, losing my family, etc…
I’ve gone through, and come out alive.
Despite these struggles I still think I’m the luckiest woman alive. Who else gets to live the dream they had as a child? Who else has had every wish they’ve ever wanted come true? And how many people in the world out there are doing exactly what they want to do right now?
How many people have you, looneyboy?
Nina Simone says it best when I can’t quite find the words for my happiness:
“It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me…and I’m feeling good.
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me”
Weird to have a date as an entry title. But there you are. The most important day of my life. Perhaps the first day I ever truly lived. Ah, don’t frown. I know I’ve had 20 years of wasted time before that.
Days spent playing video games, going to work, surfing the internet, jacking off, eating, jacking off some more and then sleeping for a good 12 hours. Don’t get me wrong, it was fun while it lasted, but it had to end sooner or later. Dear God, I’m glad it did.
July 14th was the day I met You so I’ll never forget it. I had been waiting all day to meet You.
Five days before we met your arrival had been foretold with my new tarot deck. I had asked if I would ever meet my soulmate. It sounded cheesy to me, but a part of me was dying to know. I asked very specific questions like a time frame, and the deck told me five days with the five of wands card.
Five days later (on July 14th), I met you, King Crab. Eerie, eh?
July 14th was my sisters grad party. I had run away that day, in order to escape my embarassment at still not knowing what to do with my life. I knew every relative there would ask me what my plans were. I had no answers.
The day before my mother and I had just fought over the amount of work I do at the house. I remember everything about that time vivdly. The day passed without any sign of you.
And then finally at night I got a chance to meet you. Online the first time, instant messaging each other back and forth. Playfully. You flirting, me shy. Afraid. I knew who you were the moment we started talking. I’d been expecting you.
My blood pounded through my veins and my stomach flew into my throat and I choked. Warm energy spread through out my body. My mind filled with thoughts of you.
I talked to you for hours until 4AM. Never needing sleep, never wanting it, never feeling bored, only wanting more of you.
I knew I loved you that night.
And that’s why I’ll never forget July 14th. On that day I was reborn: my second birthday. Our birthday. I was baptized in the garden of eros. The day I discovered my passion, my dream, and realized that the Kingdom of Heaven was near.
"Come forth, o children, under the stars, & take your fill of love! I am above you and in you. My ecstasy is in yours. My joy is to see your joy."
-The Book of the Law, A.C.
Heaven and Earth
"...And all I thought of heaven before
I find in earth below:
A sunlight in the hidden core
To dim the noonday glow.
And with the earth my heart is glad,
I move as one of old;
With mists of silver I am clad
And bright with burning gold."
-The New World, A.E.
Lewis Carroll
Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
